Please, please tell, me, for whom did scolding and lecturing ever work? As the one who lectured and scolded, and the poor recipient?
I believe, hey, I strongly believe that lecturing and scolding doesn’t work. What really happens when we scold and/or lecture others is that the “victim” goes inside. That means he or she shuts down, closes the ears, and is on standby to go away, run away, or is ready to agree just for the sake of agreeing (but then, never follows through, anyway!).
When someone tries to lecture, people automatically go inside and say: “Who is she or he to tell me? I do know what I have done? I don’t need to listen to this grab!!!”
A frustrated sender and a frustrated receiver of the message.
I can see it whenever I watch people argue, or fight. Be it a couple or parents talking to a child (of whatever age, interestingly) or amongst children, teenagers – in fact, any group. Even when the boss talks to the employee. The employee might listen, might follow the “instructions”, but is probably unhappy, dissatisfied and angry – deep inside.
This is how we operate, inside of us.
There are ways to communicate better, of course. In NLP, we call this Respect for the “Other Person’s Model of the World”, “The Outcome of the Communication is the Result You Get” and more. It is about accepting that someone has developed something – an idea, a concept, or even an identity. We have to accept that when we scold or lecture others that they don’t want to give up their idea that quickly. It is theirs!!! If they give it up, how would that reflect on them? What kind of impression will this give to the one who lectures and scolds? We believe that when we give up, we appear to be weak, not steadfast in our opinion, etc. We have not learnt to accept feedback!
So clearly, more understanding is required, by the sender of what is happening on the side of the receiver. It starts with rapport, of course, and the style of communication. Something that I would now describe as deep intensity, being on the side of the receiver, accepting their resistance, and where they are coming from. Also, their “inner operating” system, in as such, that no one wants to give up a point of view easily.
When you fully understand the thought structure and “inner mind” of the other person, only then will the other person be able to accept our point of view. Only when you walk the talk will there be openness to what you say.
Question: When was the last time you accepted the feedback of others, without pushing back immediately? It is about a give and take. It is about accepting. Next time, someone argues with you about your point of you, instead of saying “But” or “Why”, use: “how”, “I accept” and “I respect”. Explore their resistance with your questions, try out their idea, be curious what they want, help them formulate their ideas if they cannot. They will know their weaknesses in their argument, so there you have a chance to contribute. Only then, when you fully understand their point of view, will you be able to move beyond disagreement, lecturing, and scolding, to a more mutual base.
One word of warning, so. It takes time to master that skill. Also, if you have never done this before, the other party will be surprised and look at you with suspicion. This will change into awe, when you manage the skill. Try it, it works, all the time!!
Andreas is the founder of Asia Mind Dynamics and a certified trainer of internationally recognised certification programmes:
- Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) with the American Board of Neuro Linguistic Programming (ABNLP),
- NLP Coach Training with the Coaching Division of ABNLP,
- The Words That Change Minds -Language and Behaviour Profile of which he also is one of 17 Global Master Trainers
- Creating Your Future Coaching™ Techniques at the Masters Level with the International Timeline Therapy Association
- Hypnosis with the American Board of Hypnotherapy (ABH)
- Master Trainer with the International Association of Counsellors and Therapists (IACT).
We also train companies to achieve higher performance especially through our signature programmes on Leadership, Sales and Advanced Communications.
To find out more about us or our programme and what makes us so very different as trainer and coaches, send an email to andreas.dorn AT gmail.com or contact us at +6012 287 5048.